frustrations

Why do we let the little things bother us? I didn't sleep very well last night, and I have been short to people, and bitter about stuff that doesn't really matter!! In the big scheme of things, does a bad nights sleep really matter?? No!! That is something small and inconsequential to God. However, my being rude, irritated, and angry does matter to Him!! When I do stuff like that, it doesn't show a good Christian way of life. I'm not letting God shine through all of my actions.

So I am changing my attitude, starting now! It's a beautiful day, that the Lord made especially for us.. and I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest!!!


Deuteronomy 28:10 NLT
Then all the nations of the world will see that you are a people claimed by the Lord, and they will stand in awe of you.

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satisfied with the present me

I took a look at the past year of my life today.. and I was pretty stinking satisfied! I have changed a lot in the past year, grown into a better version of me, and i wouldn't have it any other way!

February 17th 2010 I weighed 118.4 pounds. This is the month that i decided to take control of my life.. and start to change. I started to go see a counselor, and work through lots of personal issues I had. One of those issues was the stupid assumption that i had to be as thin as possible to feel good about my self! It honestly took a lot of confrontations, not always in the nicest way, from some very important, and some not so important, people in my life before i started realizing what i was doing to myself. I wouldn't starve myself.. but any time i ate I got really sick to my stomach. i was working out.. a lot, and my alcohol consumption was through the roof. However, February wasn't the thinnest I became.. once you start the downward spiral, it takes time to start climbing up the stair case again. Rock bottom for me was around 110 to 112 pounds, and I think i hit this around May 2010. I'm taking this assumption from the fact that all of my size 2 clothes ceased to fit, and would fall off fully buttoned. After March, I stopped weighing myself.


I started eating right, stopped working out all the time, and pretty much stopped drinking all together. Slowly but surely my blood sugar righted its self out, I slowly started gaining weight, and what I think is my biggest personal victory, I was happier.

I will be the first to admit that to do this, i had to stop hanging out with a lot of people, and pretty much change everything about my life style. I stayed home pretty much all the time, and only saw a few friends once a week. But, ya know, I like the homebody in me. I got to discover who I really was, and not who i thought others wanted me to be.  I probably hurt a lot of people by turning my back on them, and for that I am sorry. but I had to do what i did to regain myself.

However, the thought that i wasn't pretty enough or thin enough was always in the back of my mind. Going to EMT school in June was a very integral part in my weight gain. Its not a bad thing, not in the least, I gained tons of self confidence, and learned a little bit about just how bad i was to my body.

For the first time in years I am healthy. I am confident in myself, and how I feel in my own skin. Today i weigh 131.3, and i have never felt better!!  I'm not as skinny as i used to be, I no longer have super nice abs, and I had to buy all new clothes, but I like the new me. No, I love the new me, and I never want to go back!!

sleepless in lubbock

I can't sleep.. maybe it is because i am used to sleeping next to Tanner.. since i crashed at his house the last 2 nights.. or maybe it is because of the 2 cups of coffee i had with dinner. Either way, it got me thinking.. about what I want to do in my life, and about what great people i have in my everyday life.


Christine is probably the best friend, and basically the best person I know! She is so supportive of everyone.. in their hard times, and the good ones too!! She has been there for me personally, more times than I can count! even today.. i got a little melancholy, and she sent me this "You are a wonderful, beautiful inside and out woman." how awesome is that?!?! she goes so much further than just saying you are wonderful.. or your an awesome person (which is about as good as I can do) Christine tells you something that you don't even know about your self, or something you may have forgotten. She just knows when a person needs an encouraging word or two, and has been my life saver more than she knows! She loves her God, husband, family and friends with her all, all the time.. and it has inspired me to do the same! There is no doubt in my mind whom I want standing next to me as matron of Honor on my wedding day!!! Love yew Christine!!

 Magen.. how to sum up magen.. she is my sister.. soon by marriage, but its been that way since the day i met her. She is a straight shooter.. if she thinks something, your going to know it. And I love that about her!! She thinks outside of the box, and that really comes in handy.. a lot! She is a wonderful mom to my nephew and niece.. and i know she probably gets stressed out sometimes, but she handles things with a certain grace. She is always good for making everyone laugh.. especially if it involves registering for wedding gifts! Magen is great.. a true God fearing woman, inside and out! Love ya sister!!

Tanner.. tanner is my rock. In many ways he has been my salvation. I didn't know true love until he came into my life.. and I knew we were meant to be together in a matter of days. Things are different with him.. I know my past doesn't matter, and that he accepts me no matter what. I am free to be me, and to discover exactly who me is! Tanner is so full of faith in God, that it makes me want to strive to be a better child of God. Being with Tanner makes me want to be a better person, but he supports me no matter what!! Which is more important than I ever realized. Tanner is proud to have me on his arm, even if I'm in sweats with no make up (which is pretty often) and he always puts my safety first. In fact, he always puts me first. I want everyone I know and care for to have a relationship like mine. With someone that they love so much that they can't wait to see them, or talk to them first thing in the morning, someone that they can see themselves getting old with, and being okay with that picture.. as long as they are together in the end. Someone they would go to bat for 100% of the time.. no questions asked. Someone that you love, and that loves you back with such a ferocity that it manifests into a physical ache at times.. Because true love hurts, but it is a really good, soul touching hurt, that you never want to go away!! I love you Tanner Kyle, and I can not wait to become your bride!!

I want to help people.. I don't know how yet, but I know I want to make an impact in people's lives.. To save people from addiction, or find children forever homes.. or save marriages.. something that when I get to heaven I know I made a difference in someones life. Made life easier, or more meaningful for at least one person.. I believe this is what God has planned for me, and if I'm wrong I know He will let me know!

So, goodnight to the friends I have that follow this blog.. you are all wonderful, unique men and women.. and our God loves you so very much!!

one of those days..

Today was one of those days.. ya know, the kind of day you hope goes on forever.

I woke up super rested, and not long after Tanner came over to surprise me, because he got the day off! Best surprise!!

We had a pretty lazy morning, and I cooked Tanner lunch. But this afternoon we went to Target and registered for gifts!! Tanner bought me a coffee, and I had tons of fun getting to learn more about his taste and personal style.. I was pleasantly surprised to find just how perfectly our styles mesh!!

Later in the afternoon, we were told where to find a truck with a 2 in 1 light bar (i hope that's right!) Very similar to the one Tanner wants.. he was so excited!! We've been looking for this particular truck for weeks!!

We went home and watched a couple of movies (clash of the Titans, thumbs down; and letters to Juliet, thumbs up) drank coffee, designed invitations.. and basically had an awesome mini date on my sofa!

All in all, today just reaffirmed why I love the man I'm going to marry. And, why both of our pasts are just that, the past.

I know I always say that God has blessed me beyond imagining, but He really has. I met Tanner, and fell in love, less than 1 month after I finally let go, and fully gave God the steering wheel of my life!! It just goes to show how much better he knows what we need than we think we do!!

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proposal video

So, I finally remembered how to post a video from my phone.. here is the happiest day of my life... so far!!

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We are engaged!!!!

Tanner proposed on Christmas morning, and I said yes (of course) I would say yes a thousand times more!!

He is the best man I've ever met, he is a great spiritual leader, and he loves me for who I am!! I'm the most blessed woman alive!!

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It's the little things

I got a Christmas card in the mail today. It was beautiful, but it made me tear up just a tiny bit. I don't get to talk to Bailey much anymore.. we are both so busy, and yet she still sent me a adorable card with a picture of her family. So sweet.

I have had some of the best times of my life since June. I watched my best friend marry the love of her life. I watched my future sister-in-law get big (but beautifully) pregnant and have a precious little girl. I got to watch my nephew meet his little sister for the first time. And every day I fall back in love with Tanner.

Tanner and I are a match made in heaven.. really. There is no other way to describe our relationship than by saying that God intended us to be together. We are our Heavenly Father's perfect match for each other. And the thrills me more than I know how to express. God loved everyone on earth so much that He took the time to make a perfect soul mate for them. Someone that will help them in their walk with Christ, and someone that can hold them up when they are weak. And Tanner is my someone.

There are so many little things that have gone unnoticed in my life, but they have made all the difference:

~ When we walk in a parking lot tanner always places me on the side that is away from moving cars. His first priority is to protect me.

~ My dad leaves the coffee pot on an hour later than he used to, so that I can get a hot cup when I wake up.. long after he has gone to work.

~ My parents are always willing to loan me one of their cars, since I messed mine up. Again.

~ Even though Tanner hates, hates, HATES feet, he will rub mine between his hands if I'm cold.

~ Tanner, or my dad will go outside in the cold to warm my car up for me.. and the heater is always going full blast. :)

~ Christine calls all the time just to say hi, and that she loves me. Always makes my day.

~ I have a petty little fear of being home alone at night.. so Tanner's family said I am welcome to stay with them anytime I need to.

~ A friend of my mom's is putting in a good word for me, so that maybe I can get a job!!

I am blessed beyond reason, and so grateful for everything, especially the little things, that have happened in my life in the past 6 months.


Remember.. Jesus is the reason for the season. So give thanks for his birth, and his death, so that we may live forever!

 Merry Christmas!!!

I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications.

Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon him as long as I live. 

Psalms 116:1-2